I received my second dose of the COVID vaccine yesterday and I left the building filled with gratitude, impatience and exhaustion.
Gratitude
I have a screensaver on my phone that says “Lord, remind me that I get to live this life” because I often find that reframing most frustrating parts about my day with a get to will change the way I see things. I am tired because my son was up at the crack of dawn this morning — I get to be tired because I have a son who wakes me up. My job feels like I am drinking from a fire hose most days and I can’t keep up with the heaviness of the sharp learning curve — I get to have a job where I am challenged beyond my capacity because they saw something in me that was a good fit for the role. I have to go grocery shopping — I get to buy groceries without worrying about whether my kids will get a grain or a veggie with dinner tonight.
My husband and I chose to embrace the pandemic with I get to instead of I have to. Don’t get me wrong, by the end of the second round of homeschooling I was ready to RIOT if my kids did not go back to school. I have been able to acknowledge however that there have been many thankful moments through all of this and we are healthy, after all. Had this happened to me 15 years ago, I can’t say that I would have managed the isolation, uncertainty or stress with anything less than full breakdown, so I am grateful for having had a mental health breakdown 4 years prior to the pandemic. The tools I gained while being unwell in a “normal” world is something I am grateful for every single day.
The vaccine comes with hope that I can remember the things I am thankful for and remember this in 5 years when I will be a mom of a brooding teenage girl and preteen stinky boy.
Impatience
While I was waiting in line for 70 minutes to get my vaccine, I couldn’t help but feel impatient. I thought, for sure, that this would be a quick appointment and that I would have time to stop at Starbucks before grabbing my kids from school. As I sat in the chair waiting for the nurse to make her way to my cubicle, I realized that this was a perfect example of how impatient I truly am to get back to a pace of life that fuels my need to be over productive and anxious.
I don’t watch movies. You can ask my husband how many movies we have ever watched together and we can probably count them on one hand in the last 17 years. I find it way too hard to sit for 2 full hours when I could be doing something else. I can’t stand waiting until the end of the movie to find out who kills the bad guy. I watch the same 10 seasons for Friends on repeat because I don’t need to watch it. I can do almost anything else while I listen and know exactly what happens. I’m impatient AF. My brain is wired to produce and COVID has forced me to stop doing this.
COVID has given me awareness of my impatience, however. Impatience isn’t a bad thing if you are using that drive to be a better human — but it is a bad thing if you’re running away from being present in right now.
Exhaustion
You can probably guess what comes next after the impatience. Exhaustion.
I feel like it has become easy to blame COVID on my feelings of exhaustion with people, life and parenting when in reality I think my feelings of exhaustion stem from not asking for what I need.
My birthday is coming up this week and when my husband said “its your birthday, just tell me where you want to go and I’ll make it happen”, my first reaction was “well…. we could just order in sushi… I have to work on the Sunday…. I can’t be bothered to pay for a babysitter….. your parents are probably busy and can’t babysit”. The list goes on. And when I feel disappointed on my birthday I will blame COVID for making everything that much harder. Its not COVID though — its lack of initiative. Yes, maybe last year it was COVID but even then, restaurants were open and we were allowed to have a cohort family who would be more than happy to babysit.
When COVID happened, we stopped asking for what we need from other people. We stopped talking to our friends in vulnerable ways because everyone was struggling and it felt like a burden to put on others to say that you are hurting too. Our workplaces changed and we stopped being able to go for lunches coworkers and stopped getting to know them on a personal level. We stopped asking coworkers to mentor us and support us because we were all in survival mode and it felt like too much to ask. We adopted the model that friends and family were all just getting by, so check in on them but when they ask how you are don’t burden them with your frustration, guilt and need for love. We have all supported each other but also have failed to support ourselves.
Going Forward
Apparently we are re-opening as if nothing happened in two weeks but its okay if you don’t get to wave a magic wand and go back to feeling like the picture of perfect health. The “best summer ever” for many will not be the best summer ever. Many people have lost loved ones — not just to COVID but to the opioid epidemic and mental health crisis’ that has been exasperated by COVID. Many people have lost jobs and livelihoods. Many people have lost friends who are not lost per-se but have lost touch since this became our world.
Ask for what you need though as we re-open. Ask for a coffee date with a friend who you haven’t seen in over a year. Ask a person at work to mentor you and support your growth in the organization. Go see a therapist! For crying out loud, ask for the dessert with dinner because who the f-cares if you have abs at the beach or not. Ask for what you need — its step one of getting back to normal.
If you need to hear this today, I love you. I do.
Warmly,
Sam