Real post #1. It’s okay to be angry— a very important piece of healing for me that has changed the way I approach almost every situation. Keep in mind, I am not a therapist. I don’t pretend to be one so please take this with the caveat that this is a personal, opinion-based blog. I am not a source of truth but I do know what has worked for me.
“It’s okay to be angry” is something I tell my kids all the time. I can completely understand how they are feeling when they don’t get an Oreo before bed or when we are stuck in traffic and missing something fun, or for my daughter when she has to get blood drawn for the billionth time in her sweet little life. I get it. But anger —- that feeling that you’re mad you want to roar (Daniel Tiger)— its always, 100% of the time, derived from another feeling that’s underneath the anger. The feeling that’s hiding underneath the anger is what you need to figure out before you can regulate the situation. Expecting my kids, or myself for that matter, to be able to self-regulate before we have named the underlying feeling is like trying to avoid a pop explosion after someone has shaken the bottle.
Allow for a few examples:
You are heading for an important meeting at work and your car stalls half-way there. You’re going to be late and your husband was supposed to change the oil last week. You feel angry, that he forgot to change the oil. You feel angry that you’re going to be late for a meeting. You feel angry that the guy at Starbucks took 3 minutes too long to get your latte. Hell, you’re probably angry at the conservative government at this point too. But if you didn’t have anger to describe those feelings, what would they be? You feel frustrated about the late oil change, you are anxious about the outcomes of missing the meeting. You have a high standard of service for your $6 latte and you are disappointed that it wasn’t met. Government — insert all of the emotions here.
I spent a long time feeling angry that I was dealt the short straw for mental health. I was angry that I wasn’t having the experience that I had dreamed about. I was angry that I had no idea how to ask for help or that the services I needed were not easy to find. But underneath, I was scared, sad, frustrated, and a whole lot of tired.
So here is how this has helped me: Whenever anyone is angry— at you, at someone else, at the Starbucks barista, the fastest and easiest way to move through the moment is to understand what that person is feeling underneath the anger. Most of the time, we won’t know the circumstances around why they are tired, frustrated, sad, unsupported (And to be clear, rude behavior is never to be confused with the concept of anger. Someone can be angry and polite at the same time, y’all). Maintain those boundaries, but being able to see the other side of the anger has been a game-changer in so many areas of my life. I always try to see past the anger — both with myself and others and ask myself what the emotions behind the anger are. Once I can name them, everything else is tolerable.
Thanks for reading along! I am aiming to have a new post every Sunday so I will catch you next week!
Lots of love, 7 followers.
Sam